Dear Boss – I quit! Love, Me

Published November 18, 2015   Posted in Having some fun

I admit it – I’ve been thinking a lot about how I might say “I quit!” to the boss once the time comes to pass on more full time work and instead enjoy my life of financial independence. Will I go out in a blaze of glory, or send my farewells respectfully, like a true professional? Or hell, maybe I’ll skirt the line a bit. It will probably depend on the mood that I’m in at the time.

Dear Boss, I quit, Love meScrew it, let’s try this – just for fun. Here, my friends, is my fictional “I quit” letter. This isn’t necessarily a reflection on my current job, but of my experience in corporate America over the past 13 years. Don’t blink or you might miss something.

Edit: This is meant to be a fun, tongue-in-cheek look at today’s corporate environment. I would never actually send this letter to my boss. This is a bit of a rant in the form of a sarcastic fictitious letter.

Dear Mrs. Boss,

I am writing to inform you that I will be stepping away from my position at the end of the year.

Actually, it is more than that. I am not just quitting. I’m retiring. I am done with the rat race and all that comes along with it. After 13 years of being a professional, I’ve had it.

I honestly did the absolute best job that I possibly could for you over the years, but seriously, the corporate environment in this country makes this whole process gut-wrenching.

Please don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I haven’t enjoyed the hours of meetings that I sit through every day about nothing, or meetings about other meetings, or meetings at 4:30pm on a Friday, or listening to overpaid and scared-for-their-lives managers demand this and that from their staff in conference calls as they “lay down the law”, often in poor audio quality.

Or how everything changes every freaking week, rendering the work that I did last week to be entirely useless and requiring me to personally undo or redo work that I already did once under a whole other set of requirements, possibly from a different set of managers with different priorities and pet projects.

Or the lunch-time “all hands/all staff” meetings that we are all forced to attend but not allowed to record on our timecards in exchange for a free lunch of pizza or sandwiches, loading us up with carbs and spiking our blood sugar levels to keep us awake for the mind-numbingly dull show that we were forced to attend and then fight to stay awake once we return to real work.

Or that damn secretary who thinks she is my boss because her boss is my boss.  I mean, seriously, what the hell is that about? Did you tell her to pull that crap?

Or those non-stop emails where everybody replies to everybody and you truly, truly don’t give a wit about any of it except for that one line that might actually pertain to you in email number 14 and then somebody drops by your cubicle to ask you if you “got the email”.

Or the two guys who won’t stop bitching about their lives to each other over the cubical walls and carrying on conversations as if they were at lunch or somewhere other than work where people around them might just need to concentrate on something other than whether or not their weekend trip to Costco was successful or not.

The unrealistic project schedules due to aggressive bottom-line business objectives. The “prepare for weekend work” bombshell on a Friday morning. The insistence that we travel over the weekend so it is on our time even though we’re blowing basically an entire damn day for the company.

Nah, it’s not any of this. Promise.

In fact, I have grown to love the blinding inefficiencies of business. I love spending more time wading through the bureaucracy of organizations than actually doing my job. The “Information Assurance” training vids straight out of the 1980’s? Love those! The “Importance of keeping information safe and secure” slides? Totally, I dig it.  And the anti-harassment videos that helpfully remind me that playing grab-ass with my coworkers in the office is a frowned up action? Appreciate that!

Or being forced to work with someone who couldn’t possibly care any less about what they do and never responds to a single email, or has willingly cemented themselves into the same position for 15-freaking-years, stuck in their ways and without a shred of legitimate skill left, demanding everybody else do things their way from a textbook straight out of last decade.

Really, this isn’t so bad.

In truth, I find much comfort working with retirement-aged folks with nice cell phones and expensive wrist watches who bitch about how little they are paid or how much of a pain in the ass their wife is or what stupid thing their kid did last night or how nightmarishly horrible their lives have become and how lucky I am to be young.

Or witnessing my coworkers actually think that they are the best engineers in the history of the world, and how the company reinforces that with insipid “we rock” events that generally turn into “let’s dump on our competition whilst we ever-so-sensually stroke our own…egos” festivals. No, this stuff is great!

It is not the mindlessness of work, either.  Actually, I have thoroughly enjoyed the mountains of busy work I’ve done over the years as a professional as I lie in wait for some careless cog in the wheel to “process my paperwork”.

And the fact that Microsoft PowerPoint has somehow become the de-facto application to present absolutely any kind of information possible, and standard company computer policies that demand adherence to the use of restrictive “office productivity tools” even when superior alternatives exist?

Or the gratuitous regurgitation of business-approved but completely meaningless buzz words like “repurpose”, “alignment”, “innovative” and “streamline”?

Or the fact that management views anything other than typing stuff into the computer to be “idle” time, and there is no such thing as “rest time” during the day lest you actually step outside and walk away from the office?

This is gold! I’m not retiring because of this.

And it is not the mindless ritual of churning up a fresh, steaming pile of self-aggrandizing gibberish during employee reviews every year either. I appreciate the fact that this asinine process is more of a pain in the butt for you than it is for me.

But you and I both know the goals and achievements on those things are complete B.S. I don’t care about them. You don’t care about them. That whole employee review process is the model of inefficiency and waste cloaked underneath a thick pile of organizational decay, and the thought of my raise being determined by a simplified 1 to 5 scale? This is the stuff of geniuses!

And by the way, you know that I’m choosing easy goals that I could accomplish in my sleep just so I can mark that one as an achievement next year. And you don’t care because you want your staff to be achievers so it reflects better on you.

Everything that we all do to put that check in the box for the sake of paperwork and to rationalize someone else’s job? I love every minute of it.

Despite how much I love virtually everything about corporate America, when it comes down to it, I am retiring because I would literally prefer to do absolutely anything other than work full time – ever.

My gut has been wrenched long enough.

Love, Me

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Comments

30 responses to “Dear Boss – I quit! Love, Me”

  1. Haha — Thank you for the nice dose of sarcasm! 🙂 I write some version of this letter in my head at least once a month, often when driving to or Ubering to an airport following some pointless meeting that has dragged me halfway across the country for all of, oh, 20 minutes of someone’s time. Even better if I gave up part of a weekend or get home at midnight on a Friday night for it, which will happen this week. (Hey, at least I get to keep the frequent flyer miles!) I’m thankful to work for a company where the corporate BS seems a bit more minimal than at other places, but I’m convinced no one is immune anymore. It’s like Office Space times 10. It’s too bad The Office isn’t on the air anymore, because I think they’d have a field day with all the Silicon Valley jargon that is currently infiltrating the workplace now. “Let’s be disruptive!” “Let’s fail fast!” OMG — Can’t. Wait. To. Escape!

    • Steve says:

      Oh, the “lets be disruptive” phrase is probably in the T op 5 of most annoyingly-uttered phrase by those who are really, truly, unequivocally clueless. It’s especially common in small businesses, and I’ve had a lot of experience working in those environments.

      “We are disrupting the market!”

      Oh gawd, make it stop! 😉

  2. This appears to be more of “venting” than a resignation letter. Having escaped the corporate world myself essentially, all things you mention are true. With that said, they paid you to do those things. You had a choice…..you decided to stay and deal with those issues for compensation $$$$$$$$ It would be hard to hold them accountable for your misery. Glad you are taking the steps to make a change and move to the next step in your life. I’m sure it will be an improvement…..Steve

    • Steve says:

      Thanks Steve – this article was meant to be more of a funny-ish (but true) representation of corporate America, not necessarily a serious indictment of holding them accountable…basically, if Office Space could be distilled down into a single silly article, this would be it. 🙂

  3. Maggie says:

    LOVE IT. “It’s not you, It’s me.” 🙂 Do what I told Mr. FireStation to do… leave a cake in the breakroom with sparkler candles that says “I Quit!”

  4. Tawcan says:

    A bit too much venting to my taste. I know some is being sarcastic but you can do much better than that Steve. 🙂

    Unfortunately most of the things that you mentioned in your letter I’ve experienced. 🙁

    • Steve says:

      Hey Tawcan – Yep, I think a lot of us can relate to many of these issues faced within the corporate environment in this country. It’s sad that they are all so darn common, too.

      Thanks for reading! 🙂

  5. Jaime says:

    Are you afraid your boss or co-workers might read your blog and see this post? I think they’d write a note in your employee file and put you as a non-rehire. Corporate companies often function like government bureaucracies.

    And yes I’ve experienced many these and more! It’s kind of sad that there are still clueless people wondering why someone quit their company. It’s like their oblivious.

    My bf works in IT too and he gets annoyed with the deadlines, he’s a software developer and he gets frustrated because they want him to write code and punch it out as fast as he can as if he’s a monkey.

    Then when any of the developers are not typing in the office but thinking about how to solve a problem, the upper bosses think that they’re not working but they are *thinking*. Writing code is also often a thinking job.

    Anyway, Steve said that you were paid to do those things and you were working there out of choice. I get that but at the same time, there is so much that can be improved on in the corporate world. These frustrations are universal, if most companies went about things better I doubt you’d see so many FIRE bloggers.

    • Steve says:

      Hey Jaime – I’m not worried in the least that someone might read this post. If they are exploring this kind of material, then more power to them! It’s quite healthy to think about your future by reading up on personal finance, even tongue-in-cheek articles like this one. 🙂

      I think you’re right that if things ran differently, we might not see as much of a desire to escape corporate America. Unless things begin to change a bit with how company’s define “productivity”, I’m sure the number of FIRE bloggers will steadily increase. 🙂

  6. joe says:

    for some reason this reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George keeps trying to get fired from the Yankees and it keeps backfiring.. it is hilarious.. you should check it out.

    • Steve says:

      Ha! I’ve actually seen every episode of Seinfeld probably a thousand times, and I know exactly the episode that you’re referring to. I’m not streaking across Yankee Stadium, though. 🙂

  7. Brian says:

    The portion about ‘all in staff’ meetings with pizza made me laugh out loud. We have one on Friday to discuss our “problem solving” worksheets. They’re supposed to be filled out to solve a problem as it occurs. Once a quarter, each department has to present one and everyone rapidly tries to figure out what they’ve done over the last three months and fill out the sheet retroactively.

    It’s a known practice that no one fills them out properly, yet everyone is compliant with the quarterly request. I have a good relationship with the organizer of the meeting and asked him if he’s aware of this, and he laughed and said yeah, no one uses the problem solving worksheet, but it’s part of continuous improvement that everyone thinks is happening.

    Oh, and this meeting is also catered with local pizza.

    If they want to pay me for an hour and a half to listen to BS and eat pizza, I’m definitely okay with that.

    • Steve says:

      Ha! It’s interesting how much of our time at work is spent just…going through the motions for the same of checking boxes that the company happens to care about. But why…why does it ALWAYS have to be pizza? I understand it’s an easy lunch to have catered, but come on, a little variety never hurt anyone! 🙂

  8. Though I keep saying we’re working for financial independence, not necessarily early retirement, stuff like this continues to plague my day-to-day work experience. I’ve heard “did you get my email” more times than is necessary for one’s life. You had written awhile ago that jobs are largely the same and the grass is always brown–I get it now. This culture you’ve written about is pervasive and if many of us agree, why does it persist?

    • Steve says:

      Hey Claudia – that’s a darn good question. I guess there is only so much that society can do when we’re dealing with larger groups of people. Schools are run largely the same way, but improvements can certainly be made. Unfortunately, it often takes a heavy hand to make it happen.

  9. Mr. SSC says:

    I love sending an email and then walking to that person’s office and asking, “Hey did you get my email?”, and then watch it pop up on their screen! Ok, not really, but that happens to me exactly like that, fairly often.
    Yep, much of that stuff seems to be pervasive in almost every industry it sounds like. I guess at the root people are people regardless of their specialty for making a living.

    • Steve says:

      It’s true, people are people…and people will be people regardless of their industry. Whenever I was asked if I got the email, my immediate response was “Did you just send it?” If the answer was yes, I’d reply with “Okay, let me check”. 🙂

  10. I can feel and completely relate to your resignation letter. I too wonder how I will inform my employer.

    On a side note, I traveled a lot in the past with my job. My secret fantasy after an incredibly stressful week when I knew it was time to quit, would be to drive the rental car to the departure gate of the airport, leaving it running at the curb. I wouldn’t bother grabing my travel bag and simply walk to the gate. I would text a message to my boss stating I quit and mail the company phone back from the airport. 🙂

    “I don’t think I’m gonna go anymore….”, “I wouldn’t say I miss work…” – Office Space

    • Steve says:

      Ha! Yup, thanks Bryan – I am saddened that I can relate so well to Office Space, but I’m sure a lot of us share that particular quality if we work in corporate America.

      I wouldn’t say that I’ve been missing it, Bob. 🙂

  11. Chris Muller says:

    Dude, this might be the best thing I have ever read. You put into words pretty much everything I feel about corporate America. And it hits home with a lot of bureaucratic crap I am going through at work right now. It’s refreshing to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. Luckily, you’re much closer to retirement than I am (and with junior on the way, I expect that to be pushed back a bit) but this type of letter keeps me going. I hate the fact that people think work = life. I work with so many people that are going to watch their entire lives go by because they are workaholics, and they put work before anything else. I can’t tell you how many managers work all day, then come home and work, then work on the weekends. All the while, they’re sending emails to their teams, making them feel as if they’re behind if they’re not doing the same thing. And for what? A paycheck for us to just go out and buy more stuff? It makes me sick.

    • Steve says:

      Totally, Chris – the whole work = life thing is definitely not something that I ever want to get myself involved with. I really, really don’t see that ever happening at this point. 😉

      Thanks again for the kind words!

  12. […] For example, do you tell your boss that you’re retiring, or simply “leaving your job”? Do you leave the door open for future work or walk out like you’ll never speak to any of those people ever again? Will you be professional or go out with a bang, like my fictitious resignation letter? […]

  13. Vivianne says:

    Love the sarcasm. Congrats on achieving financial freedom and best of luck on your trip. I’d like to see America, taking the time to appreciate our country.

    I actually enjoy working now for the most part after I figured out last July that I could call it quit anytime. Financial independence is a powerful thing. I’d probably remain parttime or something, unless we are blessed with a kid.

  14. Debbie West says:

    Absolutely love it, every word resonated. Just goes to show the corporate world is the same everywhere. I now believe it is a game that is played and to not taking it so seriously.

    I am turning 61 in February 2017 and hope to be retired by then, just a couple of things holding me up. But I greatly admire what you are going to achieve so early in your life and I will send your links to my daughter to inspire her.

    Thanks Debbie

  15. […] evening, I sent my boss an email (and no, not this one). I told him that my wife and I are not comfortable with me traveling full-time. I’m not […]

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